You know, there are mornings when you wake up, like today, and you understand how much, to what extent you are fucked up, and what may be the reason behind all this fuckedness, or fuckityness, as one of my friends loves to say. Now, you may very well ask, what maybe the problem in the life of an average teenager? I can't claim it to be some extraordinary problem, but yeah, I myself find it to be like a disease. I'm sick, and I don't know what medications to follow. So for me, its serious shit, and at present I'm pretty scared. I don't exactly know what to do, or what to say, or what to feel and not feel. I'm very scared to do all of those above mentioned things, thinking I might be misjudged again.
Today's 6.6.2010, and just two days later, it'll be seven months of my breakup. Yes, please bear with me here, while I just touch back on some already well known facts. I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years. Fucking long time. We had some major misunderstandings, and took some major wrong decisions, before, and after the breakup. I know she wont forgive me, and neither will I, for some of those acts. But the point is, even through all the shits of the last 6 months of my relationship, and before that to ofcourse, I was a happy ma.. err.. boy.
Jaihok, as I was saying, the breakup caused a whole lot of heartaches, but somewhere, I was relieved. Maybe I expected it. I knew it was coming. And its like this pimple, breaking it was painful, the aftereffects even more painful, but no matter what, it was awaited eagerly. All good till now? Like a happy, mature individual, I moved on.
And in the following months, I fell in love over and over again. Since its you who is reading the piece, I won't go into much of the gory details. But lets just say, in a desperate search of love, I lost two of the dearest friends I'd made (both female ofcourse), and today, I feel sad for what happened, though no regrets lie there. Meanwhile, while I reached "stability" outside, my brain started malfuntioning. I started having weird dreams, dreams where I would frequently be run over by trains, and at other points, just running around, scared. I also had visions of my ex, those dreams mostly ended in bittersweet notes. I had to rethink, was I still in love with her? Was it all a wrong decision? Should I turn back, even though all the gates have been closed down? I was confused. But somehow, the view, that I was not in love with her, I loved someone else, won in the general elections inside my state of mind.
Meanwhile, my parents left the city, which meant I had their bedroom all to me. That meant late night television surfing, maybe, if lucky, I'd find some softporn movies on air, but she gurre bali, or sand in that jaggery sweet dream of mine. Anyway, the only thing which happened was, I lied there, holding my pillows, fighting the heat, and those demons who were waiting outside the window, and inside my head. Then, today, I saw dreams, quite a number of them. I remember only the last one, it was revisited by my ex-girlfriend. She'd come over to actually ask forgiveness from my parents, though she still attacked me on my disloyalty, and childish immaturity, but finally it had a good turn of events, and we patched up, and I pursued to restart things between us, leaving her present boyfriend, but before I got to know her decisions, the alarm clock woke me up. The dream was gone, and I lied there in a foetal like position (remember Requiem?), all quiet. Bangal bhashae zaare bole, hubba'r moton suup koira thaklam. I had some thinking to do, some old questions arised, and the whole jigshaw puzzle finally matched themselves to form the complete picture.
No, if you think I still love her, no I don't, not in the way I used to. I love, and miss the friend that was in her, if I loved her the way I did in the old days, I'd never pursue her, not even in my dreams, that Im sure of. But what the breakup, and its follow up showed was, I missed a lover. Someone who'd love me the way I would, and hence my desperate, and infidel behaviour over the months.
I was insecure, am still, I'm scared to face this world alone, I need someone to keep my back, and just be there. I'm sick. This is a disease, I don't really find any possible way out of this mess as of now. By diagnosing the illness, maybe I just let one of those demons let loose. But I'm finally happy, and hope you read this whole. Maybe, I'll never be rid of this disease. But then again, who knows, maybe I will.
Sorry for the odd behaviours over the past months.
Today's 6.6.2010, and just two days later, it'll be seven months of my breakup. Yes, please bear with me here, while I just touch back on some already well known facts. I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years. Fucking long time. We had some major misunderstandings, and took some major wrong decisions, before, and after the breakup. I know she wont forgive me, and neither will I, for some of those acts. But the point is, even through all the shits of the last 6 months of my relationship, and before that to ofcourse, I was a happy ma.. err.. boy.
Jaihok, as I was saying, the breakup caused a whole lot of heartaches, but somewhere, I was relieved. Maybe I expected it. I knew it was coming. And its like this pimple, breaking it was painful, the aftereffects even more painful, but no matter what, it was awaited eagerly. All good till now? Like a happy, mature individual, I moved on.
And in the following months, I fell in love over and over again. Since its you who is reading the piece, I won't go into much of the gory details. But lets just say, in a desperate search of love, I lost two of the dearest friends I'd made (both female ofcourse), and today, I feel sad for what happened, though no regrets lie there. Meanwhile, while I reached "stability" outside, my brain started malfuntioning. I started having weird dreams, dreams where I would frequently be run over by trains, and at other points, just running around, scared. I also had visions of my ex, those dreams mostly ended in bittersweet notes. I had to rethink, was I still in love with her? Was it all a wrong decision? Should I turn back, even though all the gates have been closed down? I was confused. But somehow, the view, that I was not in love with her, I loved someone else, won in the general elections inside my state of mind.
Meanwhile, my parents left the city, which meant I had their bedroom all to me. That meant late night television surfing, maybe, if lucky, I'd find some softporn movies on air, but she gurre bali, or sand in that jaggery sweet dream of mine. Anyway, the only thing which happened was, I lied there, holding my pillows, fighting the heat, and those demons who were waiting outside the window, and inside my head. Then, today, I saw dreams, quite a number of them. I remember only the last one, it was revisited by my ex-girlfriend. She'd come over to actually ask forgiveness from my parents, though she still attacked me on my disloyalty, and childish immaturity, but finally it had a good turn of events, and we patched up, and I pursued to restart things between us, leaving her present boyfriend, but before I got to know her decisions, the alarm clock woke me up. The dream was gone, and I lied there in a foetal like position (remember Requiem?), all quiet. Bangal bhashae zaare bole, hubba'r moton suup koira thaklam. I had some thinking to do, some old questions arised, and the whole jigshaw puzzle finally matched themselves to form the complete picture.
No, if you think I still love her, no I don't, not in the way I used to. I love, and miss the friend that was in her, if I loved her the way I did in the old days, I'd never pursue her, not even in my dreams, that Im sure of. But what the breakup, and its follow up showed was, I missed a lover. Someone who'd love me the way I would, and hence my desperate, and infidel behaviour over the months.
I was insecure, am still, I'm scared to face this world alone, I need someone to keep my back, and just be there. I'm sick. This is a disease, I don't really find any possible way out of this mess as of now. By diagnosing the illness, maybe I just let one of those demons let loose. But I'm finally happy, and hope you read this whole. Maybe, I'll never be rid of this disease. But then again, who knows, maybe I will.
Sorry for the odd behaviours over the past months.
Angst. Your protagonist could be more real, and the feelings he shows himself to possess might have been scrutinized to a more intimate depth. I didn't understand the lines in Bengali, but that hardly matters. Some of the adjectives are wholly adolescent in their placement. It doesn't matter if your readers don't know where your story's going. It's more essential for you to be aware of where you're headed with the story. Sleight-of-hand always involves a perpetrator who knows what he's hiding.
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